


Not Waving But Drowning

by Voruto_Son_of_Boruto



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Backstory, Bill Cipher is a Depressed Dorito, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Reincarnation, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-20 09:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13715232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voruto_Son_of_Boruto/pseuds/Voruto_Son_of_Boruto
Summary: This is the story of Bill Cipher. Heavily based on the Axolotl's Poem.





	1. Sixty Degrees Comes In Threes

For the longest time, he had been watching. Devil was in the details, after all. He had become a master of watching--being able to recognize the nuances and quirks in behavior. Even in his childhood, he was always aware of the mood of his family and the atmosphere in his surroundings.

 

He had to be. There was always risk. In his two-dimensional homeland, his family had been irregularly shaped and he was born equilateral. The people of his neighborhood had pooled together funds and had bribed an official to be allowed to raise him. Thus, he grew up in the hovels and alleyways of the irregular ghetto. He observed the hierarchy, the unfairness, and the deceit. He watched as his siblings and parents were mistreated and given lower jobs. He went to school with irregulars and while he was average at schoolwork, he surprised his teachers with a different sort of wit and a touch of sarcastic disregard for the rules. In his mind, there was always a loophole.

 

~~10 Years Old~~

“…And they all lived happily ever after.” Bill's mother said as she opened her eye. She had memorized three stories that had been orally passed down matrilineally. Supposedly they had been given to his family by a traveler from another world. Back then, his family had been equilateral and quite wealthy. However, nature and evolution had worked against this grand family, forcing them into a life of lower labor.

 

“Can you tell us another story?” piped up one of Bill's younger siblings, a light purple isosceles. There were a few other voices that yawned and requested another one too.

 

His mother smiled and shook her head, “I think for now, that’s enough stories. It’s late and half of you are laying on your short side anyway.” Bill thought about playfully mentioning that he didn’t have a short side, but remembered when the bright green pentagon had berated Bill's mother earlier about keeping her long end out of his way. When said Pentagon noticed Bill’s equal sides, he had nodded in acknowledgement.

 

Bill had wanted to ask his mother what all this meant, but as he watched her as she walked towards home, he had noticed that she was shaking. Later Bill had listened as his mother and father (both of them plain brown isosceles triangles) murmured about tensions….rebellion, and something about shapism. At ten, Bill didn’t quite understand what all of these things meant, but he quietly filed the conversation away and his vocabulary and knowledge base began to grow.

~~12 Years Old~~

“What do you wanna to do when you grow up?” Bill asked his younger sister, Seren, as they ate their breakfast of eggs and toast.

 

“Hmmmm…” She glanced around, “I want be a storyteller! Or a teacher!”

 

“Ooooh,” their mother said, “You’ll have to study hard for that one!”

 

Bill nodded, “I hear that two Squares recently took the test for storyteller...but it wasn’t too hard.”

 

Seren smiled at him. However, there was a bit of nervousness in her voice, “I’m scared though because I only know the three stories that mom has…and since I can’t read well…I’m also too shy to ask the head teacher for help, since he’s an equilateral.”

 

Thus began Bill’s search for deeper knowledge. He lied to the equilateral teacher at their small school, saying that  _ he _ wanted to become a prestigious storyteller. He then learned how to read the books of lore and stories, memorized them, and taught them orally to Seren. She was a fast learner at 10 years old, of course, not only learning the established stories but also making some of her own. She also learned to read quickly and was always reading a book or telling the neighborhood children fantastic tales of war and heroism, happiness and adventure. 

~~16 Years Old~~

“Bill, would you mind going to market for me?” His mother asked as she worked in the garden. While irregulars could go to market, it was easier to buy certain products as an equilateral.

 

He sighed, “Can’t Seren go? She’s finished with her homework already.” At fourteen Seren had grown into a deep purple and was both excitable and mature for her age. She was a right isosceles triangle and could sometimes pass as equilateral.

 

Seren ended up going to the market. Four hours later, she stumbled out of an alley and walked home, dripping in blood, swollen, and barely conscious.


	2. Nobody heard him, the dead man

Seren cheerfully left the house humming to herself and thinking up a story for tonight’s storytime. Her mother had been kind enough to let Seren tell the siblings bedtime stories as of late. She looked down at her list and started walking a bit faster. She heard some snickering behind her but shrugged it off as children making fun of her right angle.

 

From what they heard later, she had never reached the market. Three red hexagons had emerged from an alley and dragged her into the alley, beaten and tortured her. It was cited by the square police as a crime based on shape. However, the hexagons pleaded innocent and Bills family’s Square lawyer encouraged Seren to not only keep her silence, but to forget about it. Her parents also did not do too much to protest her treatment, again due to encouragement from the public as well as fear for reputation or retribution. There was a small private trial, mainly for appearances, but the hexagons were never formally prosecuted and walked free.

 

Seren, meanwhile, retreated within herself. One of her angles had been permanently bent and a corner had been cut off, so this damage caused great pain. She sometimes complained to Bill that her body hurt every day, with both very real pain and phantom knives and hands. She was quiet most of the time, though sometimes she erupted in anger at the smallest things. She could no longer help in the family shoe shop. Everytime the door would jingle, she would jump and wince. If more than three customers came in, she would make herself busy in the back. She stopped eating, and her parents scolded her. They almost acted like nothing had ever happened. Her smaller physical wounds healed, but she slowly wasted away under internal and external pressure and pain. Her studies, which had always been her pride and joy, disappeared under her bed.

 

Bill watched these happenings. He watched and seethed. A loud ringing gong-voice in his head screamed, “IF YOU HAD GONE TO THE MARKET…”

 

He tried his best to comfort Seren, but she usually stayed locked in her room. When she wasn’t in her room, her parents had her sit in the shop and make shoes. They seemed almost relieved that she was not pursuing the ill-fated storyteller position. It was better for irregulars to keep their place anyway. As a child, everyone is allowed to dream. Sixteen year old Bill watched and an anger rooted itself deep. This anger, both at himself, his parents, at society, and even at his sister…all this anger would only continue to deepen and grow.


	3. But Still He Lay Moaning

One year passed. Seren faded away while her parents, ignoring her mental state, began looking for a suitor who would not mind an ugly and withdrawn wife. They found one in an acute irregular who was a class or two lower than their family. He was excited to have a higher-status wife and did not care about her mental or physical issues. Seren’s parents were happy to give her off to a lower class man, as they were trying to clear the playing field for Bill and his supposed storytelling ambitions. Bill had decided to keep that particular facade in order to honor Seren as well as learn more folklore and have access to research facilities.

 

After a private ceremony, Seren went to live with her husband. Bill never saw her again. They said it was an accident when her body was found in the kitchen. The cause of death was never fully determined, but Seren’s husband received a note in the mail a week later from Seren: apologizing for inconveniences and her behavior. When Bill read the note, something inside him broke.

 

By this point, Bill was 17, going on 18. He was almost finished with his education. However, after Seren’s death, in addition to his parents disregard for the issues facing them all, he snapped. He had heard through higher-level officials that there was a God or A Being that had deep and eternal knowledge and power. Bill pulled a few strings and managed to find an old and ripped summoning spell. He believed that if he could summon-- could talk to this God--perhaps he could win him over and could somehow save Seren or do something to end this pain.


	4. Watches from within birch trees

After fulfilling the requirements of the spell and reciting the poem, he fell asleep and woke up in a dreamworld. It was strange. Shades of purples, blues, and pinks. There seemed to be no edges or corners. Only blank and full space. Bill also noticed that he was… was in the air. He was floating? His eye widened and he immediately spun in a circle: It  _ wasn’t flat _ ! There, behind him, was a creature. A monster. Light and pale pink. It had no shape and was just sitting there, looking at him. Bill wasn’t sure, but this two-eyed monster seemed to be smiling at him. Something about that smile. It angered Bill. This being….Bill could almost taste the eternity and the power. This monster was full of light. Difficult to look at.

 

The monster smiled upon him and seemed to be peering into his very soul. Finally after breathtaking silence, the monster spoke, “You called to me? I have never been summoned by one of your kind before. Though I suppose it was only time before I was.” 

 

“W-what are you?... Where am I?” Bill gasped. He felt weightless but heavy at the same time. Everything seemed too big and too small and off-kilter.

 

“I am the Axolotl,” the Axolotl said, a light hint of amusement in his voice. “Now, why did you call to me Bill?”

 

“You’re supposed to be all powerful and  _ all knowing _ , why don’t you tell me?” Bill was regaining his momentum and confidence.

 

The axolotl simply looked at him. Bill suddenly had a vision. A picture of vast power and worlds that one could only dream of. There were no limits. Bill saw kindness and equality. Or at least, he could imagine that in these worlds. His Flatland had become a prison. As he saw these free new worlds, the rage and anger grew anew. Why hadn’t Seren lived in one of these worlds? She would have been safer… happier… 

 

The Axolotl meanwhile, watched this small triangle. He knew that after this, Bill would bargain for god-like powers. The Axolotl knew, that for certain events to happen, this bargain would have to be accepted. There would be much misery and anguish, but the Axolotl is above such things...simply watching. The Axolotl would  _ only _ intervene when asked and even then, would often do what was least expected. 

 

And Watching would be the limit to Bills powers. As Bill and this eternal and never changing creature bargained, the axolotl pondered Bills future. Bill was so miserable, but also so brave and foolish. Idealistic and angry. He was a rebel and for good reason, but would this rebellious nature stand up to eternity and the perspectives of others?

 

The deal was done. Bill was convinced that he had tricked the axolotl with honeyed words and generous schemes. The Axolotl only knew what Bill was capable of. 

 

They shook hands.

 

Suddenly Bill felt a deep and profound pain in his center...only to explode into a thousand pieces. As he felt his dream consciousness fading, he heard the Axolotl murmur, “If you ever come to a dead end. If you ever feel helpless… simply call me in a way that makes sense.”


	5. I was much Further Out than you thought

Bill opened his eye. He looked at his hands, they were glowing with blue fire. He had power. He could feel the hot and cold power writhing and seething within his core. He also knew things. Lots of things. Things that he had never realized before. For example, right now, he was two dimensional, but there was a third dimension that existed elsewhere. He remembered the three dimensional feeling in his dream. It felt so free. He felt like he could do anything and everything all at once. It reminded him of Seren’s stories. In a story, in a fairytale, you can be anything after all. Perhaps the third dimension would provide the freedom that Seren deserved. A bitter taste of regret filled his mouth. Suddenly Bill had an idea and he was determined to use his powers to make it happen.

 

He slowly gathered every bit of power inside him and imagined the third dimension as best as he could. The soft and hard edges. The angles and the heights. As he was imagining all this, he released the power into this world. Slowly and steadily, an expansion began. He felt himself expand… rooting himself into all the world. He felt his isosceles neighbors, the squares on the other side of the city… he even felt a circle just begin to wake up. This heightened awareness began to frighten him, but his power and imagination were already flowing and beginning to take hold. 


	6. Saw His Own Dimension Burn

As Bill felt his power and his imagination intertwine and flow into this flat and oppressive world, things began to change. The isosceles were stretched and pulled apart with a sudden pain. Bill gasped in shock and confusion, as more shapes: triangles, circles, squares, all of them began to shatter and break apart. 

 

The heights he had imagined. The freedom and the angles were all crumbling and cracking. There was no depth. No height. Only fear, pain and anguish. Even his own body could not contain the power the axolotl had given him. He was filled with pain as his exoskeleton cracked and shattered. He realized he was shouting and screaming: “No no nonononononNO NO NO!” Even as his body failed, his family awoken by his voice reached out in his direction to comfort him, only to be torn apart by the force of his power. His spirit still flowing with power screamed in rage and anguish. He had killed his family. Just like he had doomed Seren to her life by not going to the market: He had doomed everyone in his family.

 

“I didn’t want this. I wanted you to be free. I wanted you and Seren and everyone...even you…” He shouted, looking at a circle running from the cracks opening in the ground, “I wanted you to be equal. I wanted there to be peace and freedom” He groaned. He tried to pull back his power or at least attempt to use his power to fix or right what he had unleashed. The Axolotl hadn’t taught him to use the power he had so greedily asked for. In this story at least, there was no happily ever after.

 

Bill certainly had “god-like” powers, but was he ready to use them to create and reform a world already formed and alive for thousands of years? Change does not come easily and in this case, this flat land was stuck. Such a radical change in dimensions would and could not be sustained or forced. And that’s where the fire started. Bill, in his frustrated idealism had overdone it. The power given to him by the axolotl was uncontrollable and wild.

 

This power shot out of him and broke the world. Bill was able to shatter the second dimension, but not in the way that he had dreamed. Scientifically, Bill had unintentionally mastered fission and this caused the explosion and then the fire. Bill Cipher could only watch, his physical body gone, as his whole world was torn apart and burned.


	7. And Not Waving but Drowning

Once the fire had finished, Bill half-heartedly searched for any survivors. Of course in there were none...the fire had been too hot. Bill felt nothing. Only a sense of numb anger and guilt. For centuries, he continued floating over this desolation he had created. The pain he felt numbed him. Everytime he floated past his home, he would look inside the burnt out frame, remembering Seren, his mother, his father, even his younger siblings. Each memory was like a knife that he himself wielded. This pain momentarily sliced through the numbing pain, and the brief moments of true agony soothed him.

 

Finally, after centuries, he made a move and looked away from his broken world and stretched his consciousness out towards the worlds he saw while with the axolotl. 

 

He found a young world and looked into its future. It was certainly three dimensional… briefly he felt a surge of hope. He could stay here and meet the wise and brave third-dimension dwellers. He tried to use his powers to go there, but with a jolt, was back in the ashes of his homeworld. Angrily, he realized that he had no more physical body and could not just go where he pleased. He knew that in order to enter this world, he would have to earn it. He would have to create a gateway there and create his own body. Therefore, he waited and watched the creatures of this particular dimension.

Ages came and passed.


	8. Misses Home and Can't Return

Home. It is not just a building. It is people. It is a feeling. It is intangible and tangible at the same time. Bill tried not to remember his own home. He had destroyed it: in a flash of anger, inspiration, and a surge of power.

 

Home. It was a flat place. Everything crushed to fit into a two dimensional mold. Everyone was expected to act out a role: dutiful wife, proud husband, obedient child, and more. Society was rigid and uncomfortable. However, despite this, when he did remember, Bill looked back fondly on his childhood. As a young child, he had enjoyed playing with his siblings, talking with his parents before bed, going to school…Idyllic and peaceful. And his sister, Seren. She was his best friend. Her stories that she could simply make up without prompting. Her tricks, her laughter, and her way of looking at life. He had hoped that the third dimension and its freedom would have reminded him of her… would have been a happy place. But that was not to be. This world was just as rigid as his own. 

 

As he watched this young world, his one repeating thought was, “These idiots. They have so much freedom and yet they choose to act worse than Flatlanders.” 

 

Anger and frustration turned to bitterness. However, this deep bitterness became a desire for misguided justice. He looked into the future to see if this justice would work.

 

_ As his plan for the third dimension neared, he saw her crying in the forest. This shooting star, so brilliant and searingly hot. While he would never admit this, she reminded him of Seren. Innocent, only now awakening to the unfairness of life in this dimension. Looking into the future…her future, he saw pain and a life of disappointments. As he bargained with her for his ticket to freedom, he made a decision: He was going to protect her from this future. Just like he tried to protect himself. How he would have protected Seren if he could have.  _


	9. Says He’s Happy. He’s a Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor chap, he Always loved Larking

~1975~

Bill, after upholding his half of a deal, which involved helping some kid with his math homework, was allowed to possess this student for a whole weekend. For the first time in a while, this was a deal that honestly had no relation to his endgame. He wanted to celebrate of course, the man who would help with his final plan had just gotten a grant to work in Gravity Falls… just as Bill Cipher had hoped and dreamed. A man so desperate to fit in and so interested in discovery would be the perfect individual to shape and mold. 

 

But now was a time to celebrate. Bill had always loved parties. Even the relatively boring prehistoric gatherings that started as humans gained the tools to gather into communities. As time progressed, parties got louder and rowdier: alcohol, drugs, and the music. While Bill could see how parties would progress, he preferred to shape them himself. He would possess some poor soul in exchange for a favor or two, and mess with time just a bit. Teach someone a high five, teach some peasant the chicken dance, rap a little. He figured, “Well since they’re gonna learn how anyway, might as well give them a head start.” 

 

Back to this party and Bill was having a great time. The music was perfect for distraction. The booze and the drugs were free and plenty. There were handsome ladies and gents… people were in corners and couches. Bill was having a great time.

 

However, as some drunk student broke into some story about a bear and a bobcat, Bill suddenly had a pang… a memory of a time billions of years ago, when a similar story was told. This was  _ her _ . This was Seren. Or someone had stolen her story. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. The world seemed to spin and everything seemed to get blurry and cramped. He stumbled forward, towards this unsuspecting student. His vision faded and he found himself pushing the other student off the balcony onto the ground below. 

 

The other partygoers screamed and the soul of the student he had possessed started shouting about deals and legality and such. Bill snapping out of his state, left the individual to his fate and faded into the Mindscape. The Axolotl was waiting for him, with an expression of sad amusement. 

 

“ _ What was that? Why was she there???”  _ Bill shouted, still panicking. 

 

“You know. You know that souls are reborn. Did you think that it was any different for flatlanders Bill?”

 

“ _ But I just killed her! I didn’t realize it was her! Bring her back. Let her tell her stories!!” _

 

“Bill Cipher. You know that she will come back. I can’t just bring someone back to life because of your rash decisions. However, I know that you are prone to foolishness and so I will give you a second chance.”

 

“ _ Why can’t you give her a second chance?” _

 

“She automatically is reborn and cycles through the stars and eternity. You, however, are immortal and will never die or be recycled. However, I will give you a chance to re enter this cycle only once in your life. All you must do, is, when you are at a dead end, when all has failed.  _ When all you want is to rest and have peace, call on my name and I will give you a second chance to have this peace.” _

 

Bill, always watching and on guard, scoffed at this. “And why would you give me a second chance?” 

 

“Because I think that while you say that your plan, built on bitterness and anger, will make you happy and complete, it will only make your unhappiness more potent and clear.”

 

As the Axolotl said these last words, he began to fade, leaving Bill alone with his own thoughts. Gone was the loud and grating music...gone was the buzzed and pleasant blank feeling. Bill Cipher, master of the mind and of repression, muttered to himself: “I’m gonna throw a party.”


	10. Blame the Arson on the Fire

He tried to forget. He honestly tried to forget the screams and the pain as everything was ripped apart. And after a few millennia, he felt that he almost could...or at least he decided to blame it on a mistake--”It was a mistake of course! I mean who in the fuck would destroy their  _ own _ home?!” Even the great Bill Cipher started to believe this.  _ He _ hadn’t burned down his dimension…


	11. If he wants to shirk the blame, He’ll have to invoke my name

It was the biggest and best party he had ever created. The alcohol was flowing. Monsters were dancing. People screaming. Bill Cipher, destroyer of worlds, creator of chaos, was overjoyed. At least that’s what his henchmaniacs murmured amongst themselves, fearfully. In actuality, Bill Cipher was furious. At himself. When he got the rift from Shooting Star, a flash hit him. It had struck him similarly when he had possessed Pine Tree a few weeks back...her way of talking, her attitude. Familiarity. This girl...This Shooting Star. While he had known that she reminded him of Seren and he knew what his actions would be, this deeper surprise had shaken him to his core. He knew his time was soon because the Axolotl was not talking to him. However, that girl had to be Seren. Of course, he locked her up, somewhere safe.

 

“I won’t accidentally kill her this time,” He murmured to himself, watching the magenta sphere closely. 

 

“Sir! Gideon turned on his! The kid and his friends are going to the bubble!”

 

Bill started laughing. All was going to plan. He floated up to his fabricated “penthouse suite” to tease Fordsey. All would come together eventually. One more chance to undo what he had already done. 


	12. One Way to Absolve his crime, A different form a different time

Bill Cipher, destroyer of worlds, creator of chaos, looked at his work and sighed. After all he had done, he realized the end was almost near. He had spent thousands of years working and scheming… all for this. Of course, it was no surprise that it would end like this; Being tricked by siblings, being despised by most. Even the child who had once, millions of years ago, been Seren, had played in his downfall. He knew that it had to happen this way. His death, payment for his power and the misery he had caused. He had chosen not to go to the market and Seren had gone instead. In anger, he had gained enormous powers and had brought a whole dimension to ashes.  _ He had almost destroyed this dimension as well. _ Of course, he had only been faking it...however, he had enjoyed this one last pretence of power and apathetic sadism. He reveled in creating a story worth telling. A story that perhaps this dimensions Seren would tell to her friends. 

 

As the blue flames (ironically similar to his own) of the memory gun began to burn, he yelled at the Axolotl, and flashed briefly out of existence. His last act, with a snap of his fingers, he made it so that Stan would not lose his memory for as long as that meddler had. 

 

~~~~~~

 

“Welcome back Bill Cipher,” the Axolotl murmured. When Bill had materialized behind him, the strange god had been looking through some sort of bubble.

 

“Why so formal?” Bill lounged back, floating in the air...his cares, for the most part, hidden behind his usual apathetic belligerence. 

 

“Reincarnation is an important decision Bill, it--”

 

“--I know I know! Honestly? I don’t need to be reborn or anything. We don’t need more of me in any world.” 

 

“I don’t think you would make the same mistakes Bill… reincarnations rarely do, even though they also rarely remember past mistakes.”

 

“So I won’t remember anything?” Bill asked, looking at the Axolotl sharply, then softly, “...even Seren?”

 

“Seren is a special case, Bill. Since she was related to you and of deep impact in your life, you might find her familiar in any of your future lifetimes.”

 

Bill shrugged, and then looked at the Axolotl suspiciously, “And why are you allowing me to attempt reincarnation again anyway?”

 

The Axolotl smiled cryptically. “Balance.” 

 

~~~~~~

 

He was born on a sunny day. There was soft jazzy piano music playing on the radio in the hospital room. His new oldest sister glowered down at his small hands as they waved helplessly. He was screaming as he entered this brand new world. Their mother smiled at her and gently put him in her arms.

 

“Try telling him your great grandmother’s stories to send him to sleep.”


End file.
